Thursday, August 26, 2004
| Ashlee Simpson and Leaky Diarrhea – they’re more similar than one would think…
Here’s a story that will make your insides curl and your pubes straighten out: Two weeks ago I house-sat for my friend Angie. She lives in a one bedroom apartment in Hells Kitchen. The place rocks and is so comfortable and cool and I enjoy being there more than I enjoy being at my own apartment. Just love it. Anywhiz…Angie has a cat named Alex that is a big fat puff of crazy fur. He’s sweet enough, but he’s super skittish and every time my stoned ass walked to the fridge to eat yet another slice of pizza, he would jump out of his skin and run away as fast as he could. Just love the little guy, but he has to learn to calm down! Or maybe I should learn how to walk without knocking into shit. To make Alex my friend, I put him on the bed with me while I was watching a movie. He loved the rub down I gave him (get your minds out of the bestiality gutters please) and began purring like a maniac. Eventually he crawled up on to my chest with his ass right in my face. I was like “whatever” and kept petting him. Next thing I know a little drop of liquid falls onto my face. I’m like “huh?” I reach up and wipe the drop off my face and wonder where the leak in the ceiling is. Now here’s the vile part…for some reason I sniffed my fingers after wiping my face. It smelled like literal shit!!! I threw the cat off my chest and ran to the bathroom. To my horror, there was a smear of cat diarrhea on my face. My fingers had brown on them too. HUH HUH HUH HURL! I gagged over and over and scrubbed my face and hands. That little fur ball got so excited with my expert petting skills that a liquid piece of shit fell out of his ass right onto my cheek. The bile still rises in my throat when I think about it. I avoided Alex for the rest of the night, to say the least. End story. What else? I’m loving The Amazing Race. It’s the one reality show I could see myself doing. I’m a high strung, type A personality asshole. I would be sure to win! On the flip side, I’m loving Big Brother 5 as well. Secret twins? Long lost brother and sister? Nakomis? Love every guilty pleasuring second of it! My hambones are doing pretty well. Jim is still my favorite. Every time I open his cage, he looks up at me with these little eyes that scream “I’m so fucking adorable! Put me in your mouth!” So I do. The little bitches that live underneath him are still acting like monsters. They’ve taken to lying on their backs and lounging around their cage as though they own the fucking place. I would love to put them in my mouth too, but they bite too hard. Lastly, I still detest Ashlee Simpson. DEfuckingTEST. I heard that MTV renewed her lame ass reality show. You should have seen the fury that burst from my eyes. Basically MTV can go fuck themselves. I went from years of devoted love for them to being fully embarrassed that I’ve seen every episode of Cribs, Room Raiders, and Pimp My Ride. Pimp THIS mtv. For those of you who can’t see me right now, I’m pointing to my asshole. Alright…push through the day! The weekends almost here. It will be so nice to be able to sleep in after I get drunk with my friends. Drinking during the week takes a lot out of a boy. Peace. |
